my epic . . . the first chapter

"what is it you fear, m'lady?" -aragorn

"a cage. to stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire." -eowyn

even from the first time i saw the two towers in theatres, this quote has stuck with me. because, i think, on many levels it echoes my own inner fears.

i want to do something big. i feel like i'm supposed to.

and here i am, with twenty trips around the sun under my belt, still with no clue what to do with my life and whether or not i will amount to anything. rather than helping me towards my goals, college feels more like a space-filler, something to do to kill the time. but i don't need to kill the time. in fact, i feel like i'm running out of it.

some days i even feel like i've taken dramatic steps backwards.

i'm not getting any younger.

and--as people around me are getting married, graduating, and settling into their lives--i'm beginning to panic.

where's my epic?

when does my story begin?

eowyn got to ride off to war . . . when can i?

*pause for breath*

so, as i was writing the above, a thought occurred to me. well, not so much occurred to me as hit me like a brick wall.

this is still the first chapter.

not making any sense? don't call me crazy yet . . .

have you ever read a biography?

unless it happens to be about a child star, there is never really much emphasis placed on the early years of a person's life.

in fact, the childhood and education of people being profiled are usually crammed into one short chapter at the beginning of the book that reads like a glorified timeline. this boring chapter is usually entitled "the early years" or "the formative years" or "the years before they knew what the heck they were going to do with their life."

okay, so maybe the last one was a bit of an exaggeration. but you know what i mean.

there's never much emphasis on the beginning of someone's life, it's more about how they end it.

epics begin like every other story, it's in the course of the story that it becomes something special, something larger than everyday life, something for j. r. r. tolkien or c. s. lewis or george lucas.

strike that last one. he should have stopped closer to the beginning. but that's another post . . .

deciding life isn't going anywhere now is like turning off the television at the cantina scene in a new hope because you think its stupid. think of all you're missing!

i mean, Jesus didn't even begin his ministry until He was thirty. and He was a carpenter before that.

general lee had to spend all those years in private schools and at west point building character before he could become a hero.

and mother teresa spent YEARS in schools and convents before embarking for india.

that's some pretty good company.

i think so, anyway.

i just have to hold on and persevere. everything will work itself out and i will be okay.

and all chance of valor won't be gone until i'm dead. ;)

hey daniel, interpret this

i had a very interesting dream last night for the first time in a while, and i just can't get over the feeling that it might have some deeper meaning.

try to help me out?

i don't remember the beginning of the dream at all, but the part that has stuck with me begins with me riding a horse across campus accompanied by two other riders. one of the riders is someone i know (my arabic professor from the fall semester, nabil) and the other is some invention of my imagination. we're all in arab garb.

we are not moving at a slow pace, either: we are riding as fast as we can go. saladin, an historical figure i find very interesting, is advancing behind us with his army and we have to seek the help of the other sheiks to defend against him. i find it interesting that in the dream i am scared to death of saladin, whereas sitting here right now i think he's pretty cool.

anyway, back to the dream. the sheiks we are riding to are, conveniently, living in the apartment complex on-campus where i am an ra.

the sense of urgency is pervasive and i am apparently not content with my horse's speed, because i am continually beating the horse with my palms . . . hard enough that when i look down at my hands, i am bleeding. the horse, a beautiful white-grey, has (my) bloodstains on his shoulders. despite my beatings, the horse is unable--or unwilling?--to speed up.

we finally reach the complex and dismount, heading towards the office where all of the sheiks are in council. the member of my party that i don't recognize keeps talking and talking about how glad he is that we have nabil there to help present our case because he is wise and highly respected by the entire community.

i'm glad nabil is there, too, because he makes me feel a lot safer. in the course of this dialogue, the first chance the characters in the dream have gotten to talk, it becomes aparent that the nation we need aid for is mine and nabil is just there to act as a helpful intermediary between me and the sheiks.

the dream ends with the three of us tying up our horses outside and making our way to the office. i woke up when i had my hand on the door, about to open it.

so, in case you didn't follow all of that, here is the reader's digest version:

brian and his former arabic professor are riding across campus on horses to get help from a band of bedouin sheiks in defense against an invasion of saladin.

the palm thing seems important to me, as well as the fact that i'm on a white horse being chased. the presence of nabil and saladin is also intriguing.

anybody got anything? i've looked around a bit online at different dream dictionaries, but nothing really seems to hit the spot.

thanks for your help!